Innocent Slow Worm Is Gruesomely Murdered

Above: The murdered slow worm, with a single gaping wound near its head

BREAKING NEWS! You heard it from us first, that an innocent slow worm has been found dead on an otherwise peaceful country road. The theory of murder was first suspected after a single stab wound was spotted near the creature's head, a coroner specialising in reptiles stated today.

The worm was found dead ("probably for hours", said the coroner) by a local family cycling on the Suffolk road yesterday afternoon. A spokesperson for the family stated, "they were obviously shocked, and were quick to call the slow worm police force, but not before their daughter had used images of the casualty for her Instagram page and blog.". He continued, "It seemed too good an opportunity for her to miss. I mean, it's not every day a 12-year-old gets to see a murdered slow worm!"

The circumstances of the murder are a matter of dispute. Locals were very much aware of the ongoing feud between the slow worm's family and local grass snakes, who subjected the worms to threats and abuse after discovering that the slow worm species bore more resemblance to lizards than to snakes. Another argument had also commenced a few weeks prior to the death between the slow worms and nearby field mice, over ownership of local fields. However, the coroner has ruled that the stab wound was far too deep to have been made by either species. At the time of writing, both the grass snakes and the field mice have yet to make a statement.

Above: A chalk line drawn by police around the victim's body.

Tributes have been flooding in on ReptileConnect.com for the legless victim, led by the slow worm's own family. The unnamed victim's grandmother, a resident of the area for the past fifty years, posted on the site: "What a devastating piece I read in Slow Worm Today earlier. A loss of an active youngster, a slow worm who liked the fast things in life."

A police search is underway.



Thanks for reading. I've just realised that that's the first fantasy/story post I've done without an introduction at the start! Welcome to the new Dramatis Persona story-post format! And if you're wondering, yes, we found a slow worm while out cycling, yes, I am the mentioned daughter, and, no, I cannot guarantee that this riveting murder story is true.
-DP :)

If Social Networks Were Countries...

Have you ever wondered about the future? Maybe you've imagined world peace eventually being achieved, or lanes in motorways specifically for personal hoverboards, or mobile phones from the 2000s sewn into "new vintage" fashion. Or perhaps that cliché of future predictions: flying cars.

Well, I'm sorry to say that my personal prediction for the next century is a lot more cynical. But also unfortunately more realistic: social networks have become a bigger part of communication than physical talking, created major distractions and frankly taken over our world quicker than you can say "can I have your BBM pin?". Perhaps, in some weird dystopian world that best belongs in a teenage novel (or e-book), all the land borders will be erased and social networks will become the new countries, all with their own laws and governments. And in this post, I speculate on what these new countries woud be like, and write a few social media spoofs in the process...

Note: To get full value from the spoofs, you might need to know a little about their subjects.

Nation #1: BBMalia

BBMalia's flag

BBMalia is a prosperous nation, small but expanding. In fact, "expanding" is too light a word. BBMalia is invading all the continents, or smartphone brands. It has a powerful army that recently outnumbered that of Textiania and WhatsAppany, but that doesn't mean they like the invasions. Oh no. The BBMalians see the adventurous new invasions of the iPhone Continent as taking away the BlackBerry Continent's unique style! They thought the name BBMalia was patriotic! It has BlackBerry in it, for heaven's sake! The invasions are just a plea for fame and money from the other Smartphone Continents. Soon all that will be left of the BlackBerry Continent that stands out will be its iconic full-keyboard beaches.

Perhaps another reason for the abuse of BBMalia's patriotism is the frequent broadcasted speeches on the BBMalia Live! TV channel. They destroy the nation's point, in having a friendly and sociable world. I mean, no other nation needs speeches like "Broadcast this speech and the full-keyboard beaches will shine orange!". The other countries just have people going about on their daily business, chatting and sharing pictures. But no, BBMalia needs people bribing others to send stupid speeches that supposedly will make the full-keyboard beaches light up orange. The most corrupted nation on the Social Media Earth of the future.

Nation #2: Instagrammia

Instagrammia's flag

Ah, the supposedly blissful world of Instagrammia. Where talking, reading and writing are kept to a minimum, and feelings are conveyed by fake images heavily altered by filters that make you look like you're in an old movie. This avant-garde little gem of a nation was supposedly a Paradise to live in three years ago, but that was before the dreaded Computer Continents invasion. The Instagrammian government imposed terrible restrictions on the Computer citizens, making it a long, fiddly struggle for them to reach the Sea of Internet Images, with the Copy&Paste Cliff and the URL Undergrowth in the way, and they still had to pluck out an image and take it back home. But the Smartphone Continents have just the simple exercise of the Camera Roll Hills to descend, and an image is theirs. Instagrammia needs to stop this unfair totalitarianism!


Nation #3 United Tweets of Twitter

UTT's flag

The worst offender when it comes to total dictatorship on the Social Media Earth is UTT, the United Tweets of Twitter. Citizens are limited to 140-character greetings, which proves tough when you're meeting that old friend you haven't seen since you were five. And the UTT government spits back your words at you if you overshoot the character limit, and if they're in a mean mood, they'll leave you to it thinking you've got away with it, and when you're done they'll send you a warning text saying "Greetings must be 140 characters or less" and you'll have to say "hi, how you doin'?" all over again. 

But even worse is the name change laws. UTT has seen many immigrants, with its invasion of nearly every continent on the Social Media Earth, but its violent legislation allows no immigrant without a text-speak, uncapitalized name starting with @! And that brings me to the harshest language law in UTT: all greetings must be summed up in hashtags! Anyone want to put a hashtag on "hey, lovin' your blog"? And yes, the UTT government do count that in their 140-character limit. Someone needs to start a revolution in favour of deep, meaningful speeches! And don't get me started on those unrealistic bluetits: perhaps the birds of prey need a rebellion too.

What are your opinions of social networking? What do you think other sites will be using as their national laws?

-DP :)

PS 11 days 'til D-Day for the swan quiz competition!